You have to feel the pain to heal from the pain

I had a really bad day on Monday and I know it’s already Thursday and well, who cares about last Monday but I wanted to write about it because it was an extreamly lonely day.

Maybe it’s because my parents left and I quickly found myself sitting in my apartment all alone, but the overwhelming feeling of sadness was making me question everything in my life. I looked around my newly decorated apartment that I had been dreaming of living in, and instead of feeling excited, proud and ready, I was scared, alone and totally freaked out.

It kind of felt like it was the first day I had ever spent in Colorado. I suddenly forgot about all the progress and success I had been making over the last 8 months and instead of celebrating this big step forward, I couldn’t help but feel like I was going to screw it all up.

I spent a good portion of the day crying and the other half of the day feeling numb. I hadn’t felt this way in SO long that it was almost too much for me to handle. I texted my cousin Jamie 15 times to make her remind me that it was going to be just fine and that it was just a bad day, and although I knew she was right, I couldn’t shake this feeling.

I decided to “put the day away” and when I woke up the next morning, not only did I feel better, but for the first time since moving to Colorado or really in my life, I felt a sense of wholeness that I had never experienced before. I can’t really explain the feeling, but it made me realize that although I’ve been in the happiest place of my life since moving here, I was also still using a lot of things over the last 8 months to fill a lot of differnet voids (such as ice cream and animal crackers).

I’ve been so scared to let myself feel the pain I felt on Monday that instead of allowing myself to own it, feel it and move forward from it, I’ve just been surpressing it. But this time I knew it was different. I was no longer scared to cry or be a little sad. In-fact, I felt kind of ready.

I didn’t need stupid ice cream anymore or whatever else it was in my life that I was using to fill this void. I knew that the progress I was making over the last 8 months was leading me to this very moment. The moment of self worth. The moment of letting myself feel the happiness that I deserved.

The point I’m tryng to make is that if you’re trying your best, digging deep and truly taking steps forward, no matter how painful it may be at times, you WILL become the person you want to be.  Because the really simple thing about pain and what we use to cover it up, is that it never goes away untill you’re brave enough to get a little uncomfortable.

So, the next time you’re sad or upset or angry, don’t reach for something that’s going to be a quick fix. Don’t shove those cookies into your mouth or skip the things that make you better because you have to rememeber that sometimes the only way out, is in.

Break the weight,

Ricki

Why you should just “Do It” sometimes.

I was thinking about all the reasons I should force myself to sit down and blog right now. To be honest, I haven’t been inspired for the past week, which seems to happy to me more than I would like.

Sometimes I’m in it, I love it and the words just flow. And sometimes I want to run away, say screw it and just not do it at all.

So here I am, and instead of just not doing it because I’m over it, I’ve decided to just write about it because I need some accountability.

Change is hard. Isn’t it? Trust me, you’re not the only who thinks that. But what I’m starting to see is that if you don’t at least try to change and just accept the ebbs and flows of it all, you’ll never know what you can do, where you can go and who you can be.

Don’t just throw in the towel or walk away because you’re not in the mood. You have to remember that it’s not about being motivated all the time or even excited all the time. It’s about being stronger than our excuses. Braver than our fears and more resilient than last time.

So let’s just say no to those bad choices we’re about to make and be a little stronger than  the voice in our heads that tend to bring us down.

Besides, did you have a better plan?

Break the weight,

Ricki

Two small changes

Before moving to Colorado, I had so many images in my mind about how my new life would be. I thought about what it would look like, feel like, what I would do everyday and most of all, how different it was going to make me. I pictured all my old bad habits being left in Michigan and envisioned this amazing opportunity of starting over and how lucky I was to be given a “second” chance.

Disclaimer: Old habits come with you, life is not perfect and starting over takes a lot of time and consistency.

The first month was a little rough, and not just because I was in a new city, but because being taken out of your comfort zone forces you to come face to face with what has always been standing in your way: Yourself.

This was not easy. In-fact, it was really difficult. I had to accept that the image I had created about this perfect new life of mine wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought and would take major work on my end to build that life for myself.

So I made a choice. I took a really good look at my life and picked out two habits that have always held me back from making my life easier and started with those:

1. Complete one task at a time

2. Keep room clean everyday for 30 days

Sounds pretty simple, right? Except that nothing is simple when it’s a habit or a learned behavior you’ve had you’re entire life. It took so much patience, mindfulness and consistency.

Working on these two habits every single day the last two months hasn’t just improved my life, it’s changed my life.  Completing one task at a time requires me to move slower and cleaning my room everyday makes me better understand the concept of doing things right away instead of waiting.

I started to see other areas in my life improve. I was suddenly more motivated, inspired, organized and without knowing it, I wasn’t just changing learned behavior, I was changing my path.

I see now that changing your life is directly correlated with how you feel about yourself and what you think you deserve.

So do yourself a favor and take that walk, write down your food, make your bed and give yourself the chance to change your life.

Trust me…it feels really fucking good.

Break the weight,

Ricki

Books that helped me:


1. Getting Things Done – the art of stress free productivity by David Allen

2. Better Than Before: By Gretchen Rubin