You have to feel the pain to heal from the pain

I had a really bad day on Monday and I know it’s already Thursday and well, who cares about last Monday but I wanted to write about it because it was an extreamly lonely day.

Maybe it’s because my parents left and I quickly found myself sitting in my apartment all alone, but the overwhelming feeling of sadness was making me question everything in my life. I looked around my newly decorated apartment that I had been dreaming of living in, and instead of feeling excited, proud and ready, I was scared, alone and totally freaked out.

It kind of felt like it was the first day I had ever spent in Colorado. I suddenly forgot about all the progress and success I had been making over the last 8 months and instead of celebrating this big step forward, I couldn’t help but feel like I was going to screw it all up.

I spent a good portion of the day crying and the other half of the day feeling numb. I hadn’t felt this way in SO long that it was almost too much for me to handle. I texted my cousin Jamie 15 times to make her remind me that it was going to be just fine and that it was just a bad day, and although I knew she was right, I couldn’t shake this feeling.

I decided to “put the day away” and when I woke up the next morning, not only did I feel better, but for the first time since moving to Colorado or really in my life, I felt a sense of wholeness that I had never experienced before. I can’t really explain the feeling, but it made me realize that although I’ve been in the happiest place of my life since moving here, I was also still using a lot of things over the last 8 months to fill a lot of differnet voids (such as ice cream and animal crackers).

I’ve been so scared to let myself feel the pain I felt on Monday that instead of allowing myself to own it, feel it and move forward from it, I’ve just been surpressing it. But this time I knew it was different. I was no longer scared to cry or be a little sad. In-fact, I felt kind of ready.

I didn’t need stupid ice cream anymore or whatever else it was in my life that I was using to fill this void. I knew that the progress I was making over the last 8 months was leading me to this very moment. The moment of self worth. The moment of letting myself feel the happiness that I deserved.

The point I’m tryng to make is that if you’re trying your best, digging deep and truly taking steps forward, no matter how painful it may be at times, you WILL become the person you want to be.  Because the really simple thing about pain and what we use to cover it up, is that it never goes away untill you’re brave enough to get a little uncomfortable.

So, the next time you’re sad or upset or angry, don’t reach for something that’s going to be a quick fix. Don’t shove those cookies into your mouth or skip the things that make you better because you have to rememeber that sometimes the only way out, is in.

Break the weight,

Ricki

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